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| Official VSTX Joke of the day thread...; post your funny shit here | |
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| Topic Started: Jun 25 2007, 09:25 PM (1,650 Views) | |
| Mogatu'R | Jun 25 2007, 09:25 PM Post #1 |
No habla la engrish!!!!
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Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high School diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely In our jobs... After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and Then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it Be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual Maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major air line that has never, ever, had an Accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main la nding gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget Pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
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'00 Volvo V70RM - the slow car, some mods, breaking stuff, more mods still coming... lol...the weekender '96 Volvo 854R soon to be M, and 2.5t with 19t '96 Volvo 855 T5 "michaela" Drew's old Gf, daily '95 Volvo 855 T5 the grandma mobile, or Sebastien ride lol, HID's and new hoses soon.. S70 5sp na.. idk soon '99 V70R, mebe 5sp, track car... More to come... | |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 26 2007, 07:01 AM Post #2 |
Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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hahahahahahahahaha im late to work now cuz of you juan...i love it |
 '98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| javadoc | Jun 26 2007, 09:19 AM Post #3 |
Honorary TXC Member
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So fitting... and I have been flying so much lately (tonight even, I'm flying from Alaska to Denver). Very funny stuff Juan! |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 26 2007, 09:21 AM Post #4 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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HOW TO POOP AT WORK: As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| TH1RT3EN628 | Jun 26 2007, 10:09 AM Post #5 |
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TX Board Vet
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hahaha awesome. that fake mechanic sounds like a badass. |
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2001 C70 HPT Pics | |
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| Reid | Jun 26 2007, 10:33 AM Post #6 |
Sir Details
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Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. Scroll down slowly to prevent seeing the answers too soon! 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany . (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the last question. 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. |
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| Mogatu'R | Jun 26 2007, 11:13 AM Post #7 |
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No habla la engrish!!!!
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I like where this is going, Reid I actually thought milk instead of water
a/w Scott hurry up and meet us man...We're gonna make your visit worthwhile
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'00 Volvo V70RM - the slow car, some mods, breaking stuff, more mods still coming... lol...the weekender '96 Volvo 854R soon to be M, and 2.5t with 19t '96 Volvo 855 T5 "michaela" Drew's old Gf, daily '95 Volvo 855 T5 the grandma mobile, or Sebastien ride lol, HID's and new hoses soon.. S70 5sp na.. idk soon '99 V70R, mebe 5sp, track car... More to come... | |
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| javadoc | Jun 26 2007, 12:53 PM Post #8 |
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Honorary TXC Member
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We'll see. I will probably drive to SoCal at the end of July.
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| WhiteT5 | Jun 26 2007, 06:37 PM Post #9 |
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Mr. Prime Minister
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This thread is a great idea... unfortunately I'm not the funny master. Keep throwing jokes out. I like.
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 27 2007, 07:47 AM Post #10 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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Difference between guts and balls .. Medical Facts We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in death. |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 27 2007, 07:59 AM Post #11 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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one more for good measure, and this is dedicated to you dads...i think you could appreciate this one a little more. or maybe not...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed Nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| Echo | Jun 27 2007, 11:45 AM Post #12 |
Forum DJ
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women walked past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No." She said "You will be when the tide comes in." :ph43r:
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If you see me flying past ya, it's just because I'm fasta 97GLT5-R >>16T--SpeedTuning 17PSI.. S10 BLAZER 4.3 VORTEC >>>the neglected DD 
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| Reid | Jun 27 2007, 02:10 PM Post #13 |
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Sir Details
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Jon, that letter one was hilarious!!!! I wish i knew that one way back when... LOL'd at both of Rob's too |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 28 2007, 10:02 AM Post #14 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown? A. Artificial intelligence. Q: What's a blonde's favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q. How do you kill a blonde? A. Put spikes in her shoulder pads. Q. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A. There's white-out on the screen. Q. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A. There's writing on the white-out. Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q. Why are there no brunette jokes? A. Because blondes would have to think them up Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q. What do you call a smart blonde A. Labrador Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb? A. The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions. Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? A. You keep hearing about them, but you never see one. Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q.Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's. Q. What do you get when you give a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A. Change. Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years. Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A. Shine a flashlight in her ears. Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday A. Tell her a joke on Friday |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| Echo | Jun 28 2007, 10:50 AM Post #15 |
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Forum DJ
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Blonde Jokes eh.. <_< Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man. A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth". There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store. The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second. When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!" |
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If you see me flying past ya, it's just because I'm fasta 97GLT5-R >>16T--SpeedTuning 17PSI.. S10 BLAZER 4.3 VORTEC >>>the neglected DD
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 28 2007, 10:58 AM Post #16 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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if you're going to do a blonde joke your best damn well do it right... Three blondes were trapped on a desert island when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter to get off this island." So, she became a redhead and swam off the island The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is and get off this island." She became a brunette and built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them! and get off this island" So, she became a man and walked across the bridge.
now thats how its done |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jun 29 2007, 08:01 AM Post #17 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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only here till 12 today and then helping juan move so heres a quick one. A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the irst grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Zach what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" [I love this] Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT " |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| HtownTurboBrick | Jul 3 2007, 09:35 AM Post #18 |
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Like Mr. Miyagi with more redneck
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A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!" |
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'98 S70 T5M w/ '00 R motor swap 266whp/340wtq on 16T - 98' S70 T5 Black: Former DD new project - 96' 850 GLT - RIP Joe Ng 02/29/56-08/18/05... | |
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| Echo | Jul 30 2007, 03:11 PM Post #19 |
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Forum DJ
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New Years Resolutions An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' "And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!" |
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If you see me flying past ya, it's just because I'm fasta 97GLT5-R >>16T--SpeedTuning 17PSI.. S10 BLAZER 4.3 VORTEC >>>the neglected DD
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| Reid | Aug 29 2007, 07:02 PM Post #20 |
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Sir Details
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? |
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